I was thinking last night about how confident I used to be.. I was so sure of myself, and my place in the world. In a mental sense, and physical. I was proud of how I looked, the way I dressed suited my personality, I was always laughing and smiling without hiding my face. I feel like now I can’t be that girl. I’m not sure of myself any more. I know I’m not devastatingly unattractive or hideous, or any other things of that nature… but I don’t feel beautiful, or even…like myself? My husband has never been a man of many words, and don’t mistake this for blame, but he doesn’t reassure me… I understand I shouldn’t need reassurance, but I think in every marriage it’s nice to be reminded that they find you attractive. If you’re not being reminded, you start to wonder if maybe they look at you the same way you look at yourself… it’s…unpleasant. Or rather, I look unpleasant?
I guess this all stems from the changes my body under went after two children. I have stretchmarks in places I really would prefer not to have them. I have lost all the weight, but due to losing it so quickly, I now have excess skin around my stomach. So a combination of loose skin and stretchmarks leaves my stomach looking like a wrinkly, saggy mess. I legit have the tummy of an elderly woman and I am only 21. Now, I understand people are much harsher on themselves, and see things in a much more unflattering light than the people around them do in regards to their physical image. I just can’t control how I feel about myself. To top it all off nicely, I lack the motivation to do anything about it. I enjoy working out, but I just don’t do it anymore… I enjoyed it when I didn’t need it and now that I do need it, I just won’t do it.
That’s my rant for the day. I’m a bitter bitch this morning, can you tell?
